Earlier this year, I’d sometimes wake up and immediately want to close my eyes and fall back asleep. Sometimes it wouldn’t hit me until later in the day—after coffee, work, writing, errands, and all the other stuff. It felt like a dream-hazed wave washing over my entire being. I’d want to lie down on the couch, or the nearest flat surface, and pull a heavy blanket over my head.
I thought wanting sleep in the middle of the day meant that maybe I was mildly depressed. A chemical imbalance must’ve hijacked my motivation and caused my equilibrium to tilt towards bed. I was so convinced that I tried antidepressants for 5 months to stay on my feet (and neutralize my mind). I’m supportive of medication, but I wasn’t chemically imbalanced. I was physically and emotionally imbalanced, and needed to give my body and mind what it wanted without feeling guilty.
I’d think to myself, “Why am I not researching, working, grocery shopping, folding laundry, traveling, helping someone, writing, reading—literally doing anything but just resting in the middle of the day?” I’d compare myself to everyone in my life working hard at full-time job(s). Even though I’ve shaped a career that I’m proud of and made the choice to leave my last job. I had also decided to take time, reset, and figure out what I want next before starting another role. No self-compassion—you’re so lazy over here slowing down, lying down, taking care of yourself, thinking about what you want, taking a nap, dreaming. I had to develop self-compassion and stop comparing myself to other people. It’s a daily effort, but I think it’s working. I don’t wake up and want to fall back asleep or take midday naps anymore.
Instead, I see nighttime sleep and morning meditation as imperative to becoming who I want to be. They help me feel more deeply and use my imagination. My eyes are closed, but my mind is still active—wandering around in dreams that actually hold a lot of answers. Interacting with people, places, and circumstances that I may or may not experience or remember in waking life. My subconscious mind creating scenes, abstract meetings, heightened and flattened emotions. Then I wake up, or sit up, and go about my day. All those dream journeys hidden in the basement of my mind, working in the background, supporting and creating my reality.
