Edges and extremes. I used to live for anything that would make me feel something other than what I knew to be innately natural and true to me—softness, femininity, flow. I used to feel this constant need to go to battle for myself and strive for the next step. There was this underlying feeling that if I didn’t do it myself then whatever “it” was wouldn’t get done. I couldn’t trust that everything would work out by just being me.
I was so wrong and really needed to let that go. Quiet down all the noise. Sit with myself for long enough to let some answers and guidance start coming through. Not uncharacteristic for me in the past, I went from one extreme to another.
After 16 years of living in big cities, 4 cross-country moves, work as the #1 priority, partying, draining relationships, and disconnected behaviors—I decided to take a moment in the Midwest. I paused work, stopped partying, ended the draining relationships, and reconsidered my disconnected behaviors. I removed every distraction and dealt with the shame, anger, and resentment I had so strategically covered up with external achievements and fast living.
I’m lucky my family loves me unconditionally because I basically went into hermit mode. I was worthy of their love no matter what I was doing on the outside. I slowed down, explored my interests, recalibrated, and let myself really be free for the first time in my life. What I found was that I didn’t really know myself. I didn’t know what I liked, what I wanted, or what I valued. I didn’t know what an “aligned life” meant for me. I started working with an intuitive advisor that saw things in me that I couldn’t see in myself. She acted as a mirror for me, and I gradually started to discover who I am and the type of life I want to create for myself.
My nervous system became calm. People and situations that aren’t aligned with me fell away. I started attracting people and opportunities into my life that feel healthy, exciting, and good in all the right ways. I finally know my interests—writing, reading, psychology, business, astrology, energy work, tarot, spirituality, music, art, design, aesthetics. I’m shaping a career that involves all aspects of what I love, and in a way that allows me to be of service and help people.
Most importantly, I’ve found balance. I’m not so drawn to the darkness of edges and extremes anymore. The attraction still exists inside me, but now I trust myself to manage it. I can recognize when it’s triggered and let it exist instead of immediately reacting. Now I’m more interested in the in-between. The spaces and places where it’s safe to slowly explore both the dark and light. Knowing that no matter where I go, my center is always balanced.
