The most important thing I’ve learned about dating is that it’s not just about finding the right person—it’s about becoming more of who I actually am.
I used to think dating was about meeting a guy that had a bunch of specific qualities I like. Does he make me laugh? Is he ambitious? Does he have style? Is he attractive? Is he curious? As I got older this list turned into questions like—Is he respectful? Is he honest? Does he communicate? Is he emotionally available? Is he loyal? Is he consistent? And while those things definitely matter, I was asking the wrong questions. I wasn’t asking: What does this relationship teach me about myself?
Because that’s what dating really is—a mirror. Every relationship, every situationship, every person who’s passed through my life has reflected something back to me. Some of those reflections were beautiful. Others were brutal. I’ve experienced it all: cheating, manipulation, push-pull dynamics that left me dizzy, chasing love that was never meant for me, and more. I’ve contorted myself trying to be perfect enough to earn love, as if love was something you had to qualify for.
I spent so much time focused on putting the guy on a pedestal instead of myself. And here’s what I learned: if I don’t pedestal myself—while still recognizing and loving my imperfections—then how will anyone else?
The most important relationship I have is with myself. It took me a long time to understand that. All other relationships in my life reflect my own self-worth, self-respect, and self-compassion. The way I treat myself sets the standard for how I allow others to treat me. When I abandon myself in relationships, I end up attracting people who do the same. When I ignore my needs, I find partners who will ignore them too.
Dating has taught me what matters most to me—but I had to be willing to pay attention. I had to accumulate experiences. I had to date people who were wrong for me to understand what right even feels like. I had to feel the disappointment, the heartbreak, the loneliness, and of course, the joy, attraction, fun, and connection too. Good or bad, all of it is data. All of it deepens my relationship with myself.
What I’ve also found is the more I prioritize that relationship with myself, the better my relationships with others become. The more I know myself—my values, my boundaries, my patterns, my needs—the more I attract people who are aligned with who I actually am. Not who I was pretending to be. Not who I thought I should be. But it wasn’t always this way.
I used to think the heartbreak, rejection, and pain were all bad. If my boyfriend and I broke up, or if I only had a couple dates with a guy, that meant something was wrong with me. It used to just feel like one more failed relationship opportunity. Eventually it started to feel shameful. I’d pick apart every action, word, decision, text, and assume it was something I did or said that led to an ending. It was totally neurotic, exhausting, and just wrong.
The reality is that everybody’s path is different. Now I look at new romantic connections and relationships as a chance to learn and something new. Maybe it lasts one date, maybe it lasts the rest of this lifetime. Either way, both are valuable and important experiences. Every relationship that hasn’t worked out redirects me back to myself. Every person who can’t meet me where I am shows me where I need to meet myself more fully.
What matters in dating isn’t perfection. I also don’t see it as a means to an end. I see it as an exciting chance to meet someone new and let things unfold. It’s presence. It’s honesty. It’s connection. It’s being brave enough to see both the joys and the heartbreaks as teachers. It’s understanding that you can’t build a truly healthy relationship with someone else if you haven’t built one with yourself first. When that relationship is all good, everything is possible.
